At some point in the unfolding of their relationship, Martha began to feelirritated at times by what Martha regarded as Amy's "insatiable need" forattention. Martha would try to distance from Amy's neediness, but not verysuccessfully because Amy had ways to involve her mother with her. Marthaflip-flopped between pleading with and cajoling Amy one minute and being angryat and directive of her the next. It seemed to lock them together even moretightly. Martha looked to Michael to take over at such times. Despite callingAmy's need for attention insatiable, Martha felt Amy really needed more of hertime and she faulted herself for not being able to give enough. She wantedMichael to help with the task. It bothered Martha if Amy seemed upset with her.Amy's upsets triggered guilt in Martha and a fear that they were no longer closecompanions. She wanted to soothe Amy and feel close to her.
[Analysis: Martha blames Amy for thedemands she makes on her, but at the same time feels she is failing Amy. Marthatries to "fix" Amy's problem by doing more of what she has already been doingand solicits Michael's help in it. Martha is meeting many of her own needs foremotional closeness and companionship through Amy, thus gets very distressed ifAmy seems unhappy with her. The marital distance accentuates Martha's need forAmy.]
Martha's second pregnancy changed a reasonably manageable situation into anunmanageable one. The dilemma of meeting the needs of both children seemedimpossible to Martha. She felt Amy was already showing signs of "inheriting" herinsecurities. How had she failed her?
When it was time for Amy to start school, Martha sought long conferences withthe kindergarten teacher to plan the transition. If Amy balked at going toschool, Martha became frightened, angry, exasperated, and guilty. Thekindergarten teacher felt she understood children like Amy and took greatinterest in her. Amy was bright, thrived on the teacher's attention, andperformed very well in school. Martha had none of these fears when Marie startedschool and, not surprisingly, none of the school transition problems occurredwith her. Marie did not seem to require so much of the teacher's attention; shejust pursued her interests.
As Amy progressed through grade school, her adjustment to school seemed todepend heavily on the teacher she had in a particular year. If the teacherseemed to take an unusual interest in her, she performed very well, but if theteacher treated her as one of the group, she would lose interest in her work.Martha focused on making sure Amy got the "right" teacher whenever possible.Marie's performance did not depend on a particular teacher.
[Analysis: Martha's difficulty being a"self" with her children is reflected in her feeling inordinately responsiblefor the happiness of both children. This makes it extremely difficult for her tointeract comfortably with two children. Amy transfers the relationship intensityshe has with her mother to her teachers. When a teacher makes her special, Amyperforms very well, but without that type of relationship, Amy performs lesswell. Marie is less involved with her mother and, consequently, her performanceis less dependent on the relationship environment at school and at home.]
If Amy complained about the ways other kids treated her in school, Martha andMichael would talk to her about not being so sensitive, telling her she shouldnot care so much about what other people think. If Amy had a special friend, shewas extremely sensitive to that friend paying attention to another little girl.Martha lectured Amy about being less sensitive but also planned outings andparties designed to help Amy with her friendships. Michael criticized Martha forthis, saying Amy should work out these problems for herself, but he basicallywent along with all of Martha's efforts.
[Analysis: The parents' words do notmatch their actions. They lecture Amy about being less sensitive, but thefrequent lectures belie their own anxieties about such issues and their doubtsabout Amy's ability to cope. Amy's sensitivity to being in the outside positionin a triangle with her playmates reflects her programming for such relationshipsensitivities in the parental triangle.]
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