Martha and Amy had turmoil in their relationship during Amy's elementaryschool years, but things got worse in middle school. Amy began having academicproblems and complained about feeling lost in the larger school. She seemedunhappy to Martha. Martha talked to Michael and to the pediatrician aboutgetting therapy for Amy. They hired tutors for Amy in two of her subjects, eventhough they knew that part of the problem was Amy not working hard in thosesubjects. When Amy's grades did not improve, Michael criticized her for nottaking advantage of the help they were giving and not appreciating them asparents. Martha scolded Michael for being too hard on Amy, but inwardly she felteven more critical of her than Michael did. She had worked hard to prevent thesevery problems in Amy. How could Amy disappoint her so much? In the summers whenthere were no academic pressures, Martha and Amy got along much better.
[Analysis: Commonly parents get criticalof a child with whom they have been excessively involved if the child'sperformance drops. They push for the child to have therapy or tutors rather thanthink about the changes they themselves need to make. Medicine, psychiatry, andthe larger society usually reinforce the child focus by defining the problem asbeing in the child and by often implying that the parents are not attentive andcaring enough.]
The big changes occurred when Amy started high school. Martha felt Amy wastelling her less of what was happening in her life and that she was more sullenand withdrawn. Amy also had a new group of girlfriends that seemed lessdesirable to Martha. Amy had also found boys. Martha and Amy got into morefrequent conflicts. Amy felt controlled by her parents, not given the freedom tomake her own decisions, pick her own friends. She resented her mother's obviousintrusions into her room when she was out. She began lying to her mother in aneffort to evade her rules. Martha was no longer drinking herself at this point,but worried that Amy was using drugs and alcohol. She challenged Amy about it,but her challenges were met with denials.
When Martha felt particularly overwhelmed by the situation, Michael wouldstep in and try to lay down the law to Amy. He accused Amy of not appreciatingall they had done for her and of deliberately trying to hurt them. He wanted toknow "why" she disobeyed them. Amy would lash back at her father in thesediscussions, at which point Martha would intervene. Amy stayed away from thehouse more, told her parents less and less, and got in with a fairly wild crowd.She acted out some of her parents worst fears, but did not feel particularlygood about herself and about what she was doing. Amy felt alienated from herparents. The parents' focus on her deteriorating grades included lectures andgroundings, but Amy easily evaded these efforts to control and change her.
[Analysis: The more intense the familyprojection process has been, the more intense the adolescent rebellion. Parentstypically blame the rebellion on adolescence, but the parents reactivity to thechild fuels the rebellion as much as the child's reactivity. When the parentsdemand to know "why" Amy acts as she does, they place the problem in Amy.Similarly, parents often blame the influence of the peer group, which alsoplaces the problem outside themselves. Peers are an important influence, but achild's vulnerability to peer pressure is related to the intensity of the familyprocess. The intense family process closes down communication and isolates Amyfrom the family. This is why a child who is very intensely connected to herparents can feel distant from them. The siblings who are less involved in thefamily problem navigate adolescence more smoothly.]
MichaelandMarthabecameincreasinglycriticalofAmy,butalsolatchedontoanysignsshemightbedoingalittlebetter.Theygaveherherownphone,boughttheclothesshe"justhadtohave,"andgaveheracarforhersixteenthbirt
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