Every human society has its well-differentiated people, poorly differentiatedpeople, and people at many gradations between these extremes. Consequently, thefamilies and other groups that make up a society differ in the intensity oftheir emotional interdependence depending on the differentiation levels of theirmembers. The more intense the interdependence, the less the group's capacity toadapt to potentially stressful events without a marked escalation of chronicanxiety. Everyone is subject to problems in his work and personal life, but lessdifferentiated people and families are vulnerable to periods of heightenedchronic anxiety which contributes to their having a disproportionate share ofsociety's most serious problems.
Example:The example of the Michael, Martha, Amy triangle reflects how a lack ofdifferentiation of self plays out in a family unit; in their case, a moderatelydifferentiated unit. (Triangles example ) The description that follows is of howthis triangle would play out if Michael, Martha, and Amy were moredifferentiated people.
Michael and Martha were quite happy during the firsttwo years of their marriage. He liked making the major decisions, but did notassume he knew "best." He always told Martha what he was thinking and helistened carefully to her ideas. Their exchanges were usually thoughtful and ledto decisions that respected the vital interests of both people. Martha hadalways been attracted to Michael's sense of responsibility and willingness tomake decisions, but she also lived by a principle that she was responsible forthinking things through for herself and telling Michael what she thought. Shedid not assume Michael usually knew "best."
[Analysis: Because the level of stress ona marriage is often less during the early years, particularly before the birthsof children and the addition of other responsibilities, the less adaptivemoderately differentiated marriage and the more adaptive well-differentiatedmarriage can look similar because the tension level is low. Stress is necessaryto expose the limits of a family's adaptive capacity.]
Martha conceived during the third year of the marriage and had a fairlysmooth pregnancy. She had a few physical problems, but dealt with them withequanimity. She was somewhat anxious about being an adequate mother but felt shecould manage these fears.
When she talked to Michael about her fears, she did not expect that he wouldsolve them for her, but she thought more clearly about her fears when she talkedthem out with him. He listened but was not patronizing. He recognized his ownfears about the coming changes in their lives and acknowledged them to Martha.
[Analysis: The stresses associated withthe real and anticipated changes of the pregnancy trigger some anxiety in bothMichael and Martha, but their interaction does not escalate the anxiety and makeit chronic. Martha had somewhat heightened needs and expectations of Michael,but she takes responsibility for managing her anxiety and has realisticexpectations about what he can do for her. Michael does not get particularlyreactive to Martha's expectations and recognizes he is anxious too. Each remainsa resource to the other.]
Afemaleinfantwasbornafterafairlysmoothlabor.TheynamedherAmy.Marthaweatheredthedeliveryfairlywellandwasreadytogohomewhenherdoctordischargedher.TheinfantcareoverthenextfewmonthswasphysicallyexhaustingforMartha,butshewasnotheavilyburdenedbyanxietiesaboutthebabyoraboutheradequacyasamother.ShecontinuedtotalktoMichaelaboutherthoughtsandfeelingsandstilldidnotfeelhewassupposedtodosomethingtomakeherfeelbetter.AlthoughMichaelhadincreasingworkpressuresheremainedemotionallyavailabletoher,evenifonlybyphoneattimes.Heworriedaboutworkissues,butdidnotruminateab
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