Paradoxically, a triangle is more stable than a dyad, but a triangle createsan "odd man out," which is a very difficult position for individuals totolerate. Anxiety generated by anticipating or being the odd one out is a potentforce in triangles. The patterns in a triangle change with increasing tension.In calm periods, two people are comfortably close "insiders" and the thirdperson is an uncomfortable "outsider." The insiders actively exclude theoutsider and the outsider works to get closer to one of them.
Someone is always uncomfortable in a triangle and pushing for change. Theinsiders solidify their bond by choosing each other in preference to the lessdesirable outsider. Someone choosing another person over oneself arousesparticularly intense feelings of rejection. If mild to moderate tension developsbetween the insiders, the most uncomfortable one will move closer to theoutsider. One of the original insiders now becomes the new outsider and theoriginal outsider is now an insider. The new outsider will make predictablemoves to restore closeness with one of the insiders.
At moderate levels of tension, triangles usually have one side in conflictand two sides in harmony. The conflict is not inherent in the relationship inwhich it exists but reflects the overall functioning of the triangle. At a highlevel of tension, the outside position becomes the most desirable. If severeconflict erupts between the insiders, one insider opts for the outside positionby getting the current outsider fighting with the other insider. If themaneuvering insider is successful, he gains the more comfortable position ofwatching the other two people fight. When the tension and conflict subside, theoutsider will try to regain an inside position.
Triangles contribute significantly to the development of clinical problems.Getting pushed from an inside to an outside position can trigger a depression orperhaps even a physical illness. Two parents intensely focusing on what is wrongwith a child can trigger serious rebellion in the child.
Example:Michael and Martha were extremely happy during the first two years of theirmarriage. Michael liked making major decisions and Martha felt comforted byMichael's "strength." After some difficulty getting pregnant, Martha conceivedduring the third year of the marriage, but it was a difficult pregnancy. She wasquite nauseous during the first trimester and developed blood pressure andweight gain problems as the pregnancy progressed. She talked frequently toMichael of her insecurities about being a mother. Michael was patient andreassuring, but also began to feel critical of Martha for being "childlike."
[Analysis:The pregnancy places more pressure on Martha and on the marital relationship.Michael is outwardly supportive of Martha but is reactive to hearing about heranxieties. He views her as having a problem.]
A female infant was born after a long labor. They named her Amy. Martha wasexhausted and not ready to leave the hospital when her doctor discharged her.Over the next few months, she felt increasingly overwhelmed and extremelyanxious about the well-being of the young baby. She looked to Michael forsupport, but he was getting home from the office later and Martha felt that hewas critical of her problems coping and that he dismissed her worries about thechild. There was much less time together for just Michael and Martha and, whenthere was time, Michael ruminated about work problems. Martha becameincreasingly preoccupied with making sure her growing child did not develop theinsecurities she had. She tried to do this by being as attentive as she could toAmy and consistently reinforcing her accomplishments. It was easier for Marthato focus on Amy than it was for her to talk to Michael. She reacted intensely tohis real and imagined criticisms of her. Michael and Martha spent more and moreof their time together discussing Amy rather than talking about their marriage.
[Analysis: Martha is the mostuncomfortable with the increased tension in the marriage. The growing emotionaldistance in the marriage is balanced by Martha getting overly involved with Amyand Michael getting overly involved with his work. Michael is in the outsideposition in the parental triangle and Martha and Amy are in the insidepositions.]
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