As Amy grew, she made increasing demands on her mother's time. Martha feltshe could not give Amy enough time, that Amy would never be satisfied. Michaelagreed with Martha that Amy was too selfish and resented Amy's temper tantrumswhen she did not get her way. However, if Michael got too critical of Amy,Martha would defend Amy, telling Michael he was exaggerating. Yet, whenevertensions developed between Martha and Amy, Martha would press Michael to spendmore time with Amy to reassure her that she was loved. He gave into Martha'spleas, but inwardly felt that they were following a policy of appeasement thatwas making Amy more demanding. Michael felt that if Martha had his maturity, Amywould be less of a problem, but, despite this attitude, Michael usually followedMartha's lead in relationship to Amy.
[Analysis: When tension builds betweenMartha and Amy, Michael sides with Martha by agreeing that Amy is the problem.The conflictual side of the triangle then shifts from between Martha and Amy tobetween Michael and Amy. If the conflict gets too intense between Michael andAmy, Martha sides with Amy, the conflict shifts into the marriage, and Amy gainsthe more comfortable outside position.]
Differentiation of Self自我分化
Families and other social groups tremendously affect how people think, feel,and act, but individuals vary in their susceptibility to a "group think" andgroups vary in the amount of pressure they exert for conformity. Thesedifferences between individuals and between groups reflect differences inpeople's levels of differentiation of self. The less developed a person's"self," the more impact others have on his functioning and the more he tries tocontrol, actively or passively, the functioning of others. The basic buildingblocks of a "self" are inborn, but an individual's family relationships duringchildhood and adolescence primarily determine how much "self" he develops. Onceestablished, the level of "self" rarely changes unless a person makes astructured and long-term effort to change it.
People with a poorly differentiated "self" depend so heavily on theacceptance and approval of others that either they quickly adjust what theythink, say, and do to please others or they dogmatically proclaim what othersshould be like and pressure them to conform. Bullies depend on approval andacceptance as much as chameleons, but bullies push others to agree with themrather than their agreeing with others. Disagreement threatens a bully as muchas it threatens a chameleon. An extreme rebel is a poorly differentiated persontoo, but he pretends to be a "self" by routinely opposing the positions ofothers.
A person with a well-differentiated "self" recognizes his realisticdependence on others, but he can stay calm and clear headed enough in the faceof conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in acareful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality.Thoughtfully acquired principles help guide decision-making about importantfamily and social issues, making him less at the mercy of the feelings of themoment. What he decides and what he says matches what he does. He can actselflessly, but his acting in the best interests of the group is a thoughtfulchoice, not a response to relationship pressures. Confident in his thinking, hecan either support another's view without being a disciple or reject anotherview without polarizing the differences. He defines himself without being pushyand deals with pressure to yield without being wishy-washy.
Everyhumansocietyhasitswell-differentiatedpeople,poorlydifferentiatedpeople,andpeopleatmanygradationsbetweentheseextremes.Consequently,thefamiliesandothergroupsthatmakeupasocietydifferintheintensityoftheiremotionalinterdependencedependingonthedifferentiationlevelsoftheirmembers.Themoreintensetheinterdependence,theles
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