Everyone has some degree of unresolved attachment to his or her originalfamily, but well-differentiated people have much more resolution than lessdifferentiated people. An unresolved attachment can take many forms. Forexample, (1) a person feels more like a child when he is home and looks to hisparents to make decisions for him that he can make for himself, or (2) a personfeels guilty when he is in more contact with his parents and that he must solvetheir conflicts or distresses, or (3) a person feels enraged that his parents donot seem to understand or approve of him. An unresolved attachment relates tothe immaturity of both the parents and the adult child, but people typicallyblame themselves or others for the problems.
People often look forward to going home, hoping things will be different thistime, but the old interactions usually surface within hours. It may take theform of surface harmony with powerful emotional undercurrents or it maydeteriorate into shouting matches and hysterics. Both the person and his familymay feel exhausted even after a brief visit. It may be easier for the parents ifan adult child keeps his distance. The family gets so anxious and reactive whenhe is home that they are relieved when he leaves. The siblings of a highlycutoff member often get furious at him when he is home and blame him forupsetting the parents. People do not want it to be this way, but thesensitivities of all parties preclude comfortable contact.
Example:
Neither Michael nor Martha wanted to live near their families. When Michaelgot a good job offer on the East coast, both of them were eager to move east.They told their families they were moving away because of Michael's great joboffer, but they welcomed the physical distance from their families. Michael feltguilty about living far away from his parents and his parents were upset aboutit, especially Michael's mother. Michael called home every weekend and managedto combine business trips with brief stays with his parents. He did not lookforward to the phone calls and usually felt depressed after them. He felt as ifhis mother deliberately put him on "guilt trips" by emphasizing how poorly shewas doing and how much she missed seeing him. She never failed to ask if hiscompany could transfer him closer to home. It was much less depressing forMichael to talk to his father, but they talked mostly about Michael's job andwhat his Dad was doing in retirement.
[Analysis: Michael blamed his mother forthe problems in their relationship and, despite his guilt, felt justifieddistancing from her. People commonly have a "stickier" unresolved emotionalattachment with their mothers than with their fathers because the way a parentaltriangle usually operates is that the mother is too involved with the child andthe father is in the outside position.] In the early years, Martha wouldsometimes participate in Michael's phone calls home but, as her problemsmounted, she usually left the calls to Michael. Michael did not say much to hisparents about Martha's drinking or about the tensions in their marriage. Hewould report on how the kids were doing. Michael, Martha, and the kids usuallymade one visit to Michael's parents each year. They did not look forward to thefour days they would spend there, but Michael's mother thrived on having them.Martha never said anything to Michael's parents about her drinking or themarital tensions, but she talked at length about Amy to Michael's mother. Amyoften developed middle ear infections during or soon after these trips.
[Analysis: Frequently one or more familymembers get sick leading up to, during, or soon after trips home. Amy was morevulnerable because of the anxious focus on her.] Martha followed a patternsimilar to Michael's in dealing with her family. One difference was that herparents came east fairly often. When they came, Martha's mother would get moreworried about Martha and critical of both her drinking and of how she wasraising Amy. Martha dreaded these exchanges with her mother and complained toMichael for days after her parents returned home. Deep down, however, Marthafelt her mother was right about her deficiencies. Martha's mother pumped Michaelfor information about Martha when Martha was reluctant to talk. Michael was alltoo willing to discuss Martha's perceived shortcomings with her mother.
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